I was in the night club last night when I spotted a fat chick, giving it large, dancing on a table, so I went over.
"They're a fantastic set of legs!" I shouted.
"Ooh," She giggled, with a wink. "Think so, do you!"
"Yeah," I replied. "Most tables would have caved in with that amount of weight on them."
1
Jokes/Quotes/Fun Crap
Started by [DumB]Creams, Aug 31 2011 01:59 PM
187 replies to this topic
#181
Posted 16 April 2012 - 06:55 PM
Quote
"Who controls the past controls the future: who controls the present controls the past." - George Orwell
Quote
"If all insects were to disappear from the earth, within 50 years all life on earth would end. If all human beings disappeared from the earth, within 50 years all forms of life would flourish" - Jonas Salk
#183
killingspree***
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Posted 21 April 2012 - 12:18 AM
A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”
“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”
“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”
“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”
“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.
#184
Posted 05 May 2012 - 08:12 AM
Quote
"Who controls the past controls the future: who controls the present controls the past." - George Orwell
Quote
"If all insects were to disappear from the earth, within 50 years all life on earth would end. If all human beings disappeared from the earth, within 50 years all forms of life would flourish" - Jonas Salk
#185
Posted 18 July 2012 - 07:08 PM
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate.
She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned.
I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
The moral of this story is: "Always keep your condoms in your car.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate.
She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned.
I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
The moral of this story is: "Always keep your condoms in your car.
Quote
"Who controls the past controls the future: who controls the present controls the past." - George Orwell
Quote
"If all insects were to disappear from the earth, within 50 years all life on earth would end. If all human beings disappeared from the earth, within 50 years all forms of life would flourish" - Jonas Salk
#186
Posted 18 July 2012 - 08:01 PM
Old and I believe it has been posted somewhere already, but still brings a smile to my face 
"We shall not cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time."
~ T.S. Eliot
~ T.S. Eliot
#187
Posted 20 December 2012 - 12:59 PM
And a long over due update to my Spaaaaaaaaaam! topic.
"Imagine how many people are going to commit suicide in the coming few days, simply because they believe the world will really end.
On a related note: Imagine how much higher the world's average IQ will be come January."
"Imagine how many people are going to commit suicide in the coming few days, simply because they believe the world will really end.
On a related note: Imagine how much higher the world's average IQ will be come January."
Quote
"Who controls the past controls the future: who controls the present controls the past." - George Orwell
Quote
"If all insects were to disappear from the earth, within 50 years all life on earth would end. If all human beings disappeared from the earth, within 50 years all forms of life would flourish" - Jonas Salk
#188
Posted 15 February 2013 - 03:22 PM
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed, to make serving drinks more efficient.
A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "140."
So the robot proceeded to make conversation about string theory and the latest cancer research.
The man listened intently and thought, "This is absolutely great."
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responded, "120."
So the robot started talking about the controversies surrounding creationism and the abortion argument.
The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is fantastic."
A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "65."
The robot then said, "So, how are things in America these days?"
A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the pavement before stopping just inches from a lamppost.
After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"
"Sorry. I didn't realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says.
"It's not your fault," replies the cabbie.
"Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."
A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "140."
So the robot proceeded to make conversation about string theory and the latest cancer research.
The man listened intently and thought, "This is absolutely great."
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responded, "120."
So the robot started talking about the controversies surrounding creationism and the abortion argument.
The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is fantastic."
A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "65."
The robot then said, "So, how are things in America these days?"
A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the pavement before stopping just inches from a lamppost.
After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"
"Sorry. I didn't realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says.
"It's not your fault," replies the cabbie.
"Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."
Quote
"Who controls the past controls the future: who controls the present controls the past." - George Orwell
Quote
"If all insects were to disappear from the earth, within 50 years all life on earth would end. If all human beings disappeared from the earth, within 50 years all forms of life would flourish" - Jonas Salk
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